Dad as the Protector of the Family Thanks for sharing about your husband not being very confident about his parenting skills and your own ability to do everything in your family. You also mentioned that he has not had great training at home from his dad or from his church. (This is true of 95% of the homeschooling fathers.) Limited Biblical Training Few men have been raised in Christian homes by fathers who taught them the Word of God on a daily basis. You're hubby is not alone because most of men come into fatherhood with virtually no Biblical training of our roles as Christian husbands and fathers. Wives Learning to Defer For you ladies who "take care of everything," it is necessary for you to train yourselves to defer to your husbands about whether one of the kids can spend the night with a friend or cousin, about how late the kids can stay up, or about the family vacation. Not that you are going to refrain from making any decisions at home and say, "Buddy, you're on your own now. Sink or swim!," it is just that when the kids ask you if they can get an ice cream from the Happy Tunes truck on a summer's evening, you say, "I don't know. Go ask your dad." In fact, Phil Lancaster says this was the key for him to take more of a day-to-day lead in his family, when his wife started using the deferring language above. He learned he needed to sit up straighter and make a decision. It is hard for the wife to let go because the old boy is not going to do everything (parenting) to her liking and yet, he loves the kids as much as she does and wants the best for them too. This change of roles is not easy and should never be all mom or all dad, but dads typically need to make more decisions when they are at home. Men Have to Get With the Program When fathers have to make more decisions, they will by necessity, be more involved in what is going on in the family before they make a family impacting decision. Kinda like voting, because I am going to have to vote next Tuesday, it makes sense to find out who is on the ballot and what they stand for so my vote won't hurt quite so much when I make an uniformed vote and place an idiot in office to represent me!! Only One Way to Build Confidence We cannot wave a magic wand over our spouses or our children and make them confident. The football coach said of his great player, "He has confidence borne out of demonstrated ability." We use that in our home quite a bit. You don't gain confidence by chanting, "I am great; I am wonderful," you gain confidence by getting out there and working hard and conquering something you didn't think you could do. For men who lack confidence in their fathering abilities, they need to do more fathering. That’s when their wisdom and love for their children will usually come through. Wives need to be in the wings to help and advise where needed but they also must be willing to allow a little trial and error to occur. Dad Making Decisions Example: Mikey wants to spend Friday night with Jeff. Dad says okay without consulting wife. Mikey has an 8:00 am soccer game on Sat. morning so dad gets to pick Mikey up at Jeff's house at 7:15 which means dad has to leave home at 6:45, which means that dad has to get up at 6 am on Saturday morning. (Wifey should be unavailable to pick up Mikey. Dad needs to enjoy the full impact of his uninformed decision). Not only that but Mikey and Jeff stayed up til 2 am talking and Mikey is wasted on the soccer field and the Mudturtles lose to the Pink Panthers 7 to 0. Ouch! If moms are keepers of the schedule, it might be good for dads to ask before they take full decision-making control away from their wives. That's where parents should work together. Ladies - it is a hard thing to watch us flub up because most of us men are pretty tuned out at home!! We need your help. Men Can Grow Into the Job Ladies, it is never easy to give an important area of your life over to an incompetent husband; but most guys are capable, just untrained. Give us some training and hand-holding and we'll get there. The benefit is, you'll gain a trusted partner in the long run. Otherwise, you'll be doing this job by yourself forever, especially when those challenging teen years come. Two parents working together is so important then Two Parents: God’s Design for Child-rearing This working in tandem as parents is just the way God designed the format He wanted for rearing children, but working as a team is hard work for both parents. If one does all of the work and the other sits on the sidelines, the partnership isn't much of a partnership. We must work together. When dads decide to make more decisions and be more informed, and wives decide to yield and lean on their hubbies more (right or wrong) then progress comes quicker than either suspect. This is one of the major themes of the Dads: The Men in the Gap video from KONOS. It is, in many ways, new ground for many marriages because the feminists hate the thought of women yielding anything to men, but be blessed because this is God's way, which makes it the right way!! So men, let's start sitting up and making some decisions around the house, and ladies, practice these words until you can almost say them to your children without wincing, "Don't ask me, your dad's home. He's the one you should be asking." Blessings, Wade Hulcy President – KONOS, Inc. www.konos.com 972/924-2712
|